49 | how to pivot when things don't go according to plan

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Welcome to a parenting space actually designed for you where you

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can get answers about navigating a life that includes autism.

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I'm Dr.

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Tay, and today I have a mini episode just for you.

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Hi y'all.

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So in today's mini episode, we are going to talk about what happens when

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things don't go according to plan.

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So this episode actually was inspired by the 4th of July, which

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was a little over a week ago.

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When I'm recording this, depending when the episode gets posted, it would've

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been a little bit ago, but this idea of taking your family to a 4th of July

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event, maybe there's fireworks and your autistic child is really struggling

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and maybe you can't stay as long as you wanted to, or you have to pack

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up and leave, or there's a meltdown and that's really hard to navigate

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Or you're having to tell your non-autistic children, no, all

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different sorts of scenarios.

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how do you navigate those situations as a family?

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And so first off, I want to emphasize that even with the best preparation, things

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may not go according to plan, And so I.

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give you permission to let go of some of this burden that if things don't

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go according to plan, that means you did something wrong, I want you to

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keep in mind everything is a learning experience and it's gonna allow you

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to fine tune processes for next time.

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And yes, we know for many autistic children that the idea of

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preparation can be really helpful.

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This can look like things like visual schedules, like actually telling them

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what order things are happening in and going over that over and over again.

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It could also look like a social story in this.

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Doesn't need to be elaborate.

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You always can go on the internet, like 4th of July, for example, would

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be a common one where I guarantee you can find a social story that's already

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written or going to the doctor's office, But you also might have more.

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Specific things to your family, and it doesn't need to be really elaborate.

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One way to create a visual schedule or a social story in a really simplified way

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is that if something is changing in your child's routine, you might just either

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Google pictures of what is changing, or maybe you drive by something and take a

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picture, take different screenshots, and then what I want you to do is put them

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into an album on your phone and you can sit down with your child and be like,

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okay, so this is what's gonna happen.

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Talk them through it.

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And so that's the idea of preparation.

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But the more we can have these visual aids, often autistic children

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are very strong visual processors, number one, but number two, then

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they can keep going back through this and have those reminders as well.

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Or if you're getting ready to leave or transition to something and giving them

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a timer warning can be super helpful.

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Like, Hey, five minutes.

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And then having a visual with a timer can be awesome.

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But there's gonna be times that it still goes rough.

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Or you might even think through plans and preparations in terms of

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thinking about their sensory needs.

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What fidgets are you packing?

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are headphones being packed?

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maybe it's like a day at the beach, do you have an umbrella that they

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can sit under to cool down in a fan?

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Thinking through some of these things that Are sensitivities for your

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child and being able to accommodate those again, you're gonna do that

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and it's gonna fail sometimes.

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And so that's what I want you first and foremost to hear in this

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episode, is releasing the burden that if it fails, that means you

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did something wrong A lot of times.

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Parents that I have worked with find this intense guilt that they did something

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wrong, that there was a misstep.

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And a lot of times we can't predict, different things happening.

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There are things that are absolutely out of control too, if you're going

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to do an out outdoor activity, which I feel like outdoor activities are on

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my mind because it's summer right now.

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But if you're going to do an Outdoor activity and it rains.

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That's completely out of your control.

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And so say a situation happens like that,

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And your child is very distressed, that ultimately things

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didn't go according to plan.

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So let's actually talk about now how do you recover from this?

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But I wanted you to hear you're not gonna get everything perfect.

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First and foremost, and it is a learning experience.

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You can use that data for future events, but also just realize like there

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are so many factors and you are not gonna be able to control everything.

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And so what I really want you to focus on is what are those

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things that you can control?

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Focus on those and things going not according to plan is not something

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that you have any control over.

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And also, If something goes out of control, I want you to respond by

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not going into instant blame mode.

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That is not gonna help this situation.

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So other ways that you can respond and recover from this first off is

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validating your autistic child's feelings.

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there is a way, like with this rain example of.

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I, I understand.

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I'm really upset too right now.

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and then you can propose an alternate, activity potentially, or you just

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might sit with those feelings like, yeah, it's okay to cry.

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Let's sit here and cry together.

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That is allowing your child to experience what they're experiencing.

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You can't fix it, you're not gonna stop the rain and all of a sudden

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have this activity start again.

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So how can you be present with your autistic child in that moment?

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And also the more you can model that emotions are normal as

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part of this, that that is okay.

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It is okay though, and necessary oftentimes to say it is

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okay to be upset right now.

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And we can't hit your sister, and then maybe you're giving them an

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activity to keep their hands busy.

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maybe there's something that's really regulating, Hey, you have

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really big feelings right now.

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I get really big feelings too.

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Let's go swing on your sensory swing.

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So giving that replacement behavior when it's something that's not within your

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family rules of ways for them to expect.

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Express their emotions, but expressing their emotions is

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a thousand percent acceptable.

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And that is exactly it is.

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That is true of your whole family.

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So with your non-autistic children, or maybe even other autistic children,

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or neurodivergent children in the family whose plans are affected by the

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autistic child, you wanna make sure that there's not this blame game coming up.

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Oh, we gotta go home because of Bobby.

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We gotta go home because Sally had a meltdown.

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We gotta go home because Angelica, Can't handle this.

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So what that means, the blame game first.

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Making sure you are not modeling that, that it isn't the reason that you

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have to leave a situation or anything.

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that there isn't this like accusatory aspect on your autistic child.

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And I know you don't mean that intentionally, but we think

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about from a modeling standpoint, if your children hear you.

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Quote unquote saying that their autistic sibling is the

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reason that you need to leave.

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They're gonna model that behavior.

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And so instead you can say something like, George is really overstimulated

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right now, and when any of us get overstimulated, we come together as a

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family, and that means sometimes we have to do things that make us sad or upset.

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Do you see that there's a nuance there?

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You can explain the situation, but we don't want to link.

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The reason of having to leave be related to your autistic child.

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I actually had a very real life example come up with this, and it wasn't

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necessarily about leaving, but I have an autistic toddler that I see in

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their classroom, and the teachers were.

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Finding that this child was overstimulated by the loud noise.

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And I loved the receptivity to that.

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But what was happening is they were saying, I'm gonna make

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up a fake name for this child.

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so we'll call this child Charlie, and they were saying, everyone you need to quiet

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down Because it's too loud for Charlie.

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And so it was interesting.

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I was in the classroom.

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I went and had a conversation with the mom about it.

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Very open dialogue of here's what's happening, how do you feel about that?

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And the mom made some amazing points.

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She was like, I don't want my child to be the reason that they have to quiet down.

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They need to learn how to quiet down themselves.

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And it was like, yeah, they gotta learn for many different reasons

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that that's part of classroom rules.

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And so while I really appreciated the teacher's awareness to support this child,

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ultimately there was this blame game.

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We have to be quiet because of Charlie, and that isn't fair to Charlie.

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Instead, it's, Hey, it's too loud in the classroom.

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Let's quiet down.

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That's all that it ultimately takes, So overall, being careful of how you

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explain the reason, can we simplify it?

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Can we remove that?

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The reason this, this quote unquote bad thing happened is because of your

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autistic child And also then, Validating your other children's emotions.

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I know you were really sad to leave.

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I, I understand And you can even say things if they're reasonable

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and age appropriate and true things like, yeah, I was sad to leave too.

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in my opinion, it's okay to say things like, sometimes for, for your sister, she

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gets overwhelmed and we wanna make sure that everyone is happy in that situation.

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That, again, has a very different, perspective than we had to

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leave because of your sister.

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And you might even help build some of your other children's awareness of

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like, Yeah, when you're uncomfortable, we would leave for you too.

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And sometimes for your sister, we do have to leave more often.

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And as a parent, I'm trying to figure out ways to really support

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your sister through all of this.

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Do you have any ideas which also invites them into the

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conversation and that collaboration.

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And the other thing that I wanna keep, And mine is, you are going to

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have emotions in all of this too.

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Like I said at the start of the episode is releasing some of the blame and

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guilt that you're gonna naturally put on yourself, but also being mindful

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of you're gonna feel really split.

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You're gonna feel like.

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It was the right thing to do because you needed to support your

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autistic child in that moment.

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you also might be really embarrassed, for example, if your child has a tantrum or

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a meltdown in public, and that's normal.

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That would be to be expected.

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Again, I said this so many times on the podcast, but you are human and humans

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have emotions, and so shaming ourselves for the emotions isn't gonna make them go

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away and isn't gonna make you feel better.

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It is ultimately realizing that you can practice acceptance of

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your emotions and still love your autistic child unconditionally.

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So be aware of your own emotions in this.

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So this split of you feel like you supported your autistic child, but

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maybe you disappointed your, your non-autistic children or the autistic

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child's siblings, it's okay to feel both.

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It's the power of, and both of those things can co-occur.

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And also we don't have to react to disappointment by

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trying to fix the situation.

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Sometimes what kids need the most is a space to feel their feelings.

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And what we actually find is kids are really, really resilient.

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Often if you can validate their emotions, they're pretty quickly onto the next

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thing, but they know that their emotions are allowed in in your home, in your

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space, and that feels good for them.

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And lastly, I want you to keep in mind though that these

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emotions might not be outward.

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Just like you have learned to suppress your emotions, your

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other children may have learned to suppress their emotions too.

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And this is all your children.

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In one way, this might not be outward for your autistic child, is they might

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not show emotions in these neurotypical ways, with facial expressions, with

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expressing it, That's important to keep in mind, but also sometimes,

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And I experienced this as a kid.

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No one told me I needed to do this, but I knew my brother needed help and I felt

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like he needed more help than I did.

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And so I learned to push down my disappointment.

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I don't remember if we talked about this on the episode with my mom But

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here's the thing I don't remember this.

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My mom was actually telling me a story she remembered of, I was on

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the rowing team in high school, in college, and I had this big race and

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My mom wasn't able to come to this race and she had called me and shared

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she wasn't able to, and apparently I told her, oh, it's totally fine.

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It's not a big deal.

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But then another parent saw me crying next to a car because

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it was a big deal in my world.

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And listen, I understood that my brother needed her more in that

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moment, but that doesn't also mean that I didn't have feelings in this.

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So keep that in mind.

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For the siblings of your autistic child is that they might not tell you

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they need the space to process their feelings, but provide that for them.

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Invite them to, to be able to share that.

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And sometimes they might be like, no, I'm fine.

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Okay.

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Just know that if you start to feel any emotions, we can talk about those.

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And that feels supportive in and of itself.

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All right y'all, that is a wrap for today's episode, and I

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hope you got value out of this.

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I think the biggest piece is knowing that plans aren't gonna always go according to

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plan, no matter how much you prep and plan for it, that things are going to happen.

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They can be learning experiences, but making sure that you are

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not blaming yourself when things don't go according to plan.

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And then the biggest piece is allowing everyone to experience

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their emotions and reaction to this.

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All right.

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I'll be back for another episode soon.

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Bye y'all.

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This episode was meant to be short and sweet, full-length episodes, air

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every Wednesday with many episodes like this sprinkled in between.

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So subscribe now so you don't miss the next one.

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And if you wanna inspire a future episode, because that's how we roll

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